Breaking Unhealthy Cycles
As i look at the worksheets on radical forgiveness, i wonder if i am ready to begin this work. “Hear me when i say this…” begins Karma. “I think there is a part of you that likes being a martyr.” That hit me with the potency of its truth. Is there a part of me that lives in the space of victimhood? And is there a part of me that creates conditions for victimhood? Conditions that nurture it? How much of this do i open myself to or create for myself to give me something to live for? Hmmmm. (January 1, 2018)
Even the steady presence of pain can provide a sense of comfort, particularly when freedom from pain and wholeness remain elusive or the path to get there cannot be seen. Indeed, there have been many moments in my life when i wore suffering as a badge of honor and militantly exhausted myself to the point of mental, emotional and physical collapse. If pain was my comfort, stress and avoidance loyally delivered it.
As i look into the not too distant past for examples of my wins at Suffering Olympics, i shudder at how i created endless cycles of desiring real change, doing something about it, then sabotaging those efforts through fear, negative self-talk, being overly concerned about the thoughts of others, and/or simply losing steam. (Although there were many other ways i undermined myself.) And yet, if i were to look at those moments through a lens of compassion, with love and without judgment, i would be able to see that a few things might have been at play. Perhaps i was not ready for change. Or maybe i was afraid to change. Or even still, i may not have known how to bring about the change i craved.
There have even been times when some part of me longed for a kind of salvation that originated outside of me. I wanted someone to save me, to direct my life, to steer the ship, to answer the questions. But humans ultimately and consistently were disappointing in the ways they fell short of my tall order. Why? Quite obviously because that which i sought in others could only be found within me. It wasn't that i had to have all the answers or had to discover them all on my own. Rather i needed to appreciate my worth and value the questions, concerns, and lessons that reflected my personal and professional experiences, observations and lived realities. And respect the fact that others have their ways of living, discovering and learning, which doesn't make them, their ways or answers better than mine (or mine better than theirs), but simply theirs.
Re-reading the 2018 journal entry above and recalling the conversation that inspired it, i am reminded that it was the last of many i had in the previous several years leading up to it. Because what happened then was that it ignited within me a shift that would change the trajectory of my life. It became clear that no one could do for me what i needed to do for myself; not Karma, not others who listened lovingly over the years at me complain about my growing heartache, not even God her-him-themself. I realized that i was ready to stop talking and do something.
And do something I did. I reached out to get support from a colleague who helped me set weekly goals and provided a space for accountability (and tears and fears and all the emotional things that emerged). I identified the fears that surrounded the issue and faced each one as best as i could, some with greater courage than others. I took the steps to address the issue and dealt with the blowback and criticism, while drawing energy from those that loved and supported me. Some people and situations i avoided if there was any thought that they might undermine or not respect my decision. The process was imperfect, but i managed to break a cycle that weighed my spirit down.
This is one of several past experiences that I am now revisiting with new eyes as I begin the process of freeing myself from yet another unhealthy cycle that I have struggled with over the past decade. I want to remember what inspired me in those moments, where I struggled and what I might learn with my January 2021 set of eyes. I also offer this personal story to provide encouragement for those who want to make a shift in their lives in some way but are caught in a current of stasis or status quo. May we continue to share with and learn from one another.
I invite you to share your strategies for breaking cycles in the comments below or share a link to your blog and/or social media so that I can learn too.