Stepping into Vulnerability
In this moment of stillness - the imposed stillness of COVID and my chosen stillness of sabbatical - I find myself fluctuating between the mind and heart spaces as i seek to meet the main goal of this time: to complete “my book.” As a trained sociologist, there is a part of me that feels beholden to engage in research, write in a semi-detached way about reality and publish in reputable media. As an initiated Akomfo (in the Akom tradition), Omo Awo, Reiki Master and tree-plant whisperer, there is a part of me that wants to pen spiritually inspired writings. For a long time I've felt the need to give birth to something, some story, that has been growing inside of me and i went into this 4 month break between jobs to do just that. And yet, i am struggling to find my voice.
My first thought is that finding my voice shouldn’t be so difficult. For years, I had been in study groups on Black/African people's history and contributed to the writing of several self-published books (see here). I've navigated several major shifts in my professional life, from would-be academic to college administrator, department chair, school principal, food/environmental/climate justice activist. In my personal life, I've seen ups and downs, made and learned from many mistakes and crossed paths and cultivated meaningful relationships with many wonderful people. And with each experience, i culled lessons and kept journals. Yet each attempt to respond to an inner call to write beyond the journals proved impossible. Somehow i was unable to move words from mind to paper and incapable of synthesizing the research and notes that I continued to compile year after year after year. Somehow I felt silenced by my own insecurities, deep seated feelings of inadequacy and a narrative that no one wanted to hear what I had to say anyway.
An yet, still something within me, an inner drive to push past these narratives led me to spend a few months in Senegal (2011) to visit a prolific writer and sage that deeply impacted me in both the content and style of his writings. There was so much that could be said about the trip, but what I will share here is what he said about writing process. He said that if I wanted to be a writer, I would need to open up and be vulnerable to myself first and then with others, and that my writing would need to reflect that vulnerability regardless of the topics, issues, methodologies and characters. I knew then that I wasn't ready.
As I now read through the journal that documented that journey and reflect upon his advice, I ask myself if I am ready to be vulnerable in a way that challenges me to step beyond my zones of comfort, that encourages me to face the fears and insecurities and to shatter the baseless narratives of unworthiness and 'my voice doesn't matter-ness.' And then I think that a question of 'readiness' isn't the right one. Rather regardless of whether or not I feel ready, am I willing to walk to that edge of uncertainty and dive in? Am I willing to trust with all of my heart, body, soul and mind that in the end, all will be as it will, in Divine Order?
Perhaps this blog entry can be considered a step in that direction.